Even as adults, it’s a huge challenge to get along with difficult people. Just type “dealing with difficult people” in any search engine, and you’ll have access to thousands of articles on the topic!

So when you add the hurricane of emotions that is the life of a student-athlete, the prospect of successfully managing difficult people becomes even more daunting.

Sure, we can pull from some of those online lists and tell our kids to avoid these people altogether, limit interactions or not engage. But when the “difficult person” is a teammate, the student-athlete faces an obstacle that requires a bit more finesse. Ultimately, to achieve any measure of success, they can’t simply walk away. They have to work together, communicate effectively and have each other’s back. By definition, they have to be a team.

In the highly-competitive arena of high school sports and its oft-accompanying entitlement mentality, there are bound to be big personalities and plenty of opportunities for clashing. And when there is a group of unique individuals brought together for any team effort, “sandpaper persons” are bound to appear, despite the valiant efforts of coaches and all those inspirational teamwork quotes.

Defining “difficult”

Difficult teammates can come in many forms. There are some people who are generally obnoxious and disrespectful. Others take this general behavior to a higher level, becoming specific button-pushers who know precise ways to rile up fellow teammates.

Sometimes, a teammate’s incessant criticism and lack of support can create a pariah effect, which can quickly chip away at team cohesiveness. Finally, although “aggressive” is often an integral quality of a triumphant athlete, it’s one best reserved for the opponent – not a teammate.

Regardless of the exact type of challenging attitude or behavior exhibited by a difficult individual, it is vital to understand the pervasive influence on the whole. Is it always possible to walk away and disregard such behavior? Sure. But when this choice is made, it undermines the potential power uniquely found in the concept of “team.”

Promoting cohesion

So what can the student-athlete do to get along with difficult teammates? Here are three simple (but not necessarily easy) strategies to maximize the focus, drive and success of the team as a whole.

See the “difficult teammate” from a different perspective.

When a teammate is critical or obnoxious, it’s easy to want to fight back with equally hurtful words. But the truth is, we all do the best we can with what we know. Few of us wake up in the morning and think, “Gee, how can I be a jerk today?” There is most likely some underlying reason for his or her difficult behavior. Maybe that person is giving away what is being given to them. Although they seem to be picking a fight, perhaps what they really need is to be heard or appreciated. A little kindness and compassion can go a long way. 

Engage without rage

It’s one thing when a teammate is being generally disagreeable to an entire group. But when the attacks are personally targeted, there are healthy ways to respond to diffuse the interaction (and, therefore, keep the team fused). First, approach your teammate privately, even though their commentary/action may have been public. Stay calm and address their behavior using “I” statements to ward off defensiveness. Demonstrate that you refuse to allow what they are doing to affect you – which will take away their power in the situation. But also show them that you’re listening, and acknowledge the content of their criticism and identify if there’s a nugget of truth underneath it all. Even if there isn’t, changing your usual approach to them will tone down the interaction and allow for more open, honest communication.

Ask for help

Sometimes conflict cannot be solved between or among individuals without assistance, even when all parties involved want the situation to get better. And that’s OK. An impartial mediator (coach, school counselor or unaffiliated parent) can bring clarity to a challenging relationship often with just a single meeting. The mediator serves as a translator of sorts and is able to strengthen or repair the bonds that make the team, well, a team.

Michelle Hill, the Strong Copy QB at Winning Proof, helps athletes tell their stories by ghostwriting books. She works exclusively with pro athletes, coaches, team owners, and other sports professionals by helping them move their book idea from the red zone to the end zone.