If your child has ever played for a negative football coach, you have probably been tempted to fight fire with fire.

If the coach is a yeller, you want to yell back.

If the coach critical, you want to be critical about that criticism.

If the coach focuses more on the team’s mistakes than on the victories, you want to focus on the coach’s mistakes.

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These tactics may work periodically, but more often than not, they will not produce the results you want. Your desired result is to make the coach less negative, and being negative in return will probably not do that.

So, what works when dealing with a negative coach? Here are a few suggestions:

1. Ask yourself if there is any truth in what they say. Negative people think they are just being realistic and might even have a good reason for their negativity. Filter through what they are saying and ask if there is any truth to it. If a coach is always pointing out the negative to your child, help your child filter through and discern if there is something there to learn. If you don’t find anything valid in their negativity, then move on.

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2. Fight negativity with positivity. If you know your child’s coach is pounding negative stuff, be sure that you are being positive at home. Your child may come home, saying the coach chewed the team out because they didn’t play hard enough or because they made so many mistakes, and you can “fight” back with remarks like, “Sounds like it was a rough practice. What good things happened?” Or “I’m sorry you had a rough day, but I’m proud of you for working hard! Hey, let’s go get some ice cream!”

If you retaliate with your own negative words about the coach, you are only enflaming the problem in your child’s head, as in, “Now my parents and the coach are mad.”

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3. Attend practices and games. I’m not a big advocate of parents attending practices all the time, but if your child is coming home with stories about a negative coach, then maybe your presence – with a few other parents – will help keep a coach in line. Then talk with your kids afterward: Did Coach act any differently with the parents there? What was different?

4. Help your child focus on the right things. My kids had numerous coaches who were negative, in one way or another. We tried to help them re-focus–on their game, on their teammates, and on why they were playing. On more than one occasion, I’d say, “Don’t play for your coach, play for your team.” Coaches will come and go, but friends and love for the game will hopefully still be a factor when a new coach comes on the scene.

5. Confront carefully. Although confronting negative coaches rarely works, if you approach them in a positive, non-accusatory way, you may be able to reach a solution. Instead of coming at them, accusing them of doing something wrong or being negative, try focusing on the problem that is actually affecting your child.

For instance, let’s say your child is struggling with tackling, and coach is expressing his disappointment to your child. The problem is not the coach being negative. The problem is that your child is struggling with tackling. So maybe an approach like, “Hey Coach, my son is really struggling with his tackling technique right now, Can you give us some ideas for how to help him improve?”

6. Move on or endure. As a parent, you must make the choice of whether to move on to another team because of the coach’s negativity, or to use it as an opportunity to teach your child some important lessons. There’s no one-size-fits-all answer on this one; it depends on how bad the coach is and how your child’s being affected: can it help your child grow stronger? Or is it causing irreparable discouragement?

As easy as it is to blame others for the difficult season your child is having, the honest truth is that you, as the parent, have more to do with it than you may think. How you handle the coach and counteract the negativity could be the game-changer for your child.

Janis B. Meredith is a life coach for sports parents. She provides resources to help parents give their children a positive and growing youth sports experience. Learn more about good sports parenting habits in her book 11 Habits for Happy & Positive Sports Parents, available on Amazon.