Does your athlete know the difference between self-blame and taking responsibility?

Perhaps you’ve seen your children beat themselves up after making a mistake in a game. My three kids were their own worst critics after they had a “bad” game and the self-blame that often followed was never productive. At the time, I was never sure how to help them move forward.

Self-blame is one of the most toxic forms of emotional abuse. It amplifies our perceived inadequacies, whether real or imagined, and paralyzes us before we can even begin to move forward. ("Psychology Today")

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Self-blame often looks like this:

I suck at this game.

I’m such a disappointment to my team. I don’t blame them for being upset with me.

It’s no wonder my coach doesn’t let me play much; I can’t do anything right.

This negative self-talk does not help your child work through mistakes. Taking responsibility, on the other hand, is totally different.

Taking responsibility means you recognize what you did wrong and you are focused on how to rectify it.

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When your child knows how to take responsibility, it may sound like this:

I blew it; but I’ll get it next time.

I will NOT let that happen again!

Coach, I got this; I won’t let you down.

Do you see the difference? When your children are self-blaming, they are focused on the past and the mistake. But when your children are taking responsibility, they are focused on the future and what they need to do differently so the mistake won’t happen again.

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If your children have a tendency toward self-blame, talk with them about the difference between that and taking responsibility. You might talk about what taking responsibility looks like:

It means you know what you want to be or how you want to play.

It means you don’t blame others.

It means you don’t blame yourself.

It means you are honest about your strengths and weaknesses.

It means knowing that you have a choice in what happens next.

When discussing this distinction with your children, emphasize that it is a discipline they need to work at every day. Picture the two, one standing on each shoulder, whispering in their ear. Which one will they listen to? Help your children understand that self-blame will keep them stuck in their mistakes, while taking responsibility will help them move forward and improve their games.

Janis B. Meredith is a life coach for sports parents. She provides resources to help parents give their children a positive and growing youth sports experience. Learn more about how she can help parents have Less Stress and More Fun.