Instead of reacting in anger, stop, and think through the situation. Give yourself a time-out if you have to. Your child is not acting this way because they are setting out to ruin your day. They are acting that way because there’s something they are not clearly seeing or understanding.

Example: Your child refuses to do their homework before practice. Now, you can pick the low-hanging fruit here by focusing on their disobedience and punish them for it OR you can ask yourself the questions What does my child not see and how can I help them see it?

In this case, the child may not be seeing the need to do their homework or the need to make good use of their time. Your job is not simply to get them to obey but to help them understand why doing their homework is important.

Where does my child need to admit responsibility for his words or actions and how can I help them do that?

Kids play the blame game all the time and it’s a game they will continue to play when they grow up unless they are taught the importance of owning responsibility for their behavior.

Let’s say your child makes a big mistake in the game and afterward you are tempted to point out the obvious. Of course, they don’t want to admit the mistake was their fault and may even be quick to blame another teammate because they don’t want to take responsibility.

Your job is not to be an investigator to figure out what happened, but as an informer to help them understand the broader lesson–the importance of not blaming and admitting responsibility for something they have done. This requires patience, taking the time to have a conversation, and your explanation of the importance of accepting responsibility.

What is the most important thing my child needs to learn in this situation and how can I help them learn it?

If neither of those two questions seems to fit the situation you are facing with your child, then take a broader approach and ask yourself, exactly what does my child need to learn in this situation? What would you like them to learn? What will help them grow in character? What will prepare them for adulthood?

And then, what is the best way for you to help them learn it? My guess is that it’s not by yelling, threatening or bribing. It’s by thoughtful conversations with them and letting them experience the natural consequences of their behavior.

The problem with parenting…

The problem with asking all of these questions as you parent: It takes time, energy and patience – three things that many parents often lack.

The problem with parenting is that if it is to be done correctly – meaning it’s done with long-term effects in mind, not short-term Band-Aids – it’s exhausting work. And that’s what keeps many parents from doing it the right way. They are too tired and just look for easy fixes.

If you find yourself in that situation, it’s time to recognize that your parenting strategy needs a mindset shift from just being a problem solver to being a parent who is willing to invest in the process of raising children.

Janis Meredith is a family life coach who wants to help all parents raise champions. You can find out more at rcfamilies.com.