How did your child’s youth sports coach respond the last time you approached with a problem? Coaches may nod their heads and smile, but there’s always a chance they are only hearing you, and not really listening.

Coaches hear every parent that confronts them, but there is a big difference between hearing and listening.

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The dictionary says that hearing is the act of perceiving sound, while listening is described as paying attention, giving heed to.

Your child’s youth sports coach certainly hears what you are saying, but there’s always a chance that it’s just coming across as parental noise. Coaches live with the knowledge there’s absolutely no way to please every parent, and sometimes that causes them to shut out complainers.

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If you want to be sure your child’s youth sports coach really listens, here are a few ways to make that happen.

1. Earn some credibility

Coaches are more likely to really listen to parents who have proved they are truly supportive of the team. Parents who are positive, parents who volunteer, parents who encourage the whole team, and parents who support the coach, even if they don’t always agree with the coach.

Parents who have earned some credibility have a better chance of really being listened to because they’ve earned the respect of the coach.

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2. Choose your meeting time wisely

I can pretty much guarantee that if you choose to confront a coach right after a game, you will not have their full attention. After being married to a coach for 29 years, I know that a coach’s head is still in the game, even if it’s over. Whether it’s a win or a loss, they are still caught up in the emotions of the game and there’s a lot swirling around in their heads. It’s just not an ideal time to be heard in a serious conversation.

3. Approach with a question, not an accusation

My husband and I tried to avoid running interference to our kids’ coaches, but on the rare occasion that we did, we made a point of asking a question that put the focus on what our kids need to do better, not on what the coach was doing wrong.

How can T.J. get on your radar?

What does Cristi need to do to improve her game? 

Be careful, though. Some questions are actually accusations in disguise: Why aren’t you playing my child more? Why don’t you let my child pitch?

Better yet, let your child talk to the coach!

4. Talk to the coach when nothing is wrong

If you only talk to the coach when you are unhappy, then they are going to want to run the other direction every time they see you approaching. Take time to get to know the coach; compliment the coach on a good game, ask how the coach’s family is doing, or thank them for coaching your child.

Is it time to reprogram your child’s youth sports coach?

If you’ve only talked to the coach to complain, then you probably have some reprogramming to do. All that coach may know about you is that you have a problem with how they coach. If you want your child’s coach to really listen, take time to see that coach as a real person who also has challenges, frustrations, and joys. Seek to understand, then to be understood.

.Janis B. Meredith is a parenting coach. She provides resources to help parents raise champions. Learn more about how she can help parents Raise Champions.